For My Family
by Cerwyn Daquin
Summary: It's been two years after Enerjak's defeat and Locke's reflecting on his family, his love for them and Lara-Le, and how he wishes to care for them. Told from his point of view. Set after "Enerjak Released". One shot.


_This is a little story told from Locke's point of view, set after "Enerjak Released". I came to realize that Locke probably has a lot more inner demons tormenting him than most people probably realize and felt the need to write a story for him. Locke, Enerjak, and the rest of the Brotherhood are owned by Archie. This story is posted with permission from Aurora der Valini._

* * *

What does one think of when one thinks of family? Love comes to mind first and foremost, I'm sure. As does companionship, support, and understanding. On the other end one can also think of loss, pain, guilt, and suffering. I think of all of these things when I think of or even look at my family. The latter feelings have been strong, painfully strong, especially with everything that we've had to endure lately. It's the former feelings, those of love and support, that keep me going. That keep me from wanting to break down and give up.

Everyone suffered horribly at the hands of Enerjak and Sojourner. Everyone has mental and physical scars to show for it. Enerjak was truly a terror, a creature whose evil was beyond anything I ever could have imagined. Sojourner ran a close second to him though. If it wasn't for Sojourner accepting Enerjak's offer of power, Knuckles, Lara, and everyone else wouldn't have suffered. But I shouldn't be surprised. Sojourner was a cruel, heartless son of a bitch and as far as I'm concerned, his suicide was the best decision he ever made.

My blood still boils when I think about him and everything he's done. Just looking at Knuckles, who now dresses like him, or Lara, who bears bruises from his beatings, is enough to remind me of how evil he was. It angers me to think that he honestly believed for one second that Lara was happy with him, that she wanted him with everything he was doing to her. And to think that bastard is Knuckles' father, not me.

It hurt like hell to learn the truth. Words can't begin to describe how I felt. And Sojourner decided that having the truth out was good enough reason to attack and try to kill us. He almost killed both Knuckles and Lara. The only reason he was spared from death was because Lara requested it. So we stripped him of his powers and banished him from Haven. I wonder sometimes, if Spectre knew then what he does know, if we all did, what would we have done with Sojourner? I still say we should have killed him then and there. Of course, Grandfather Thunderhawk gives me hell about it. I'd even go so far as to say that he hates me for it.

I suppose I can understand his feelings. Could I hate my own child if he or she ever made the mistakes- and I'm being quite kind in my terminology here- that Sojourner made? I would think not. I'd still love my child all the same. Even though Knuckles is not my son, I still love him as though he was. I can't just shuffle off sixteen years of believing so as nothing; to dismiss them without a care. I just can't.

And then there is Knuckles' children, his daughters, Tessa and Athene. My second cousins really but I prefer to think of them as my granddaughters. Athene is so lively and Tessa, though reserved, is just as much a blessing. They're both so beautiful and they carry our dreams for the future. Even though Athene is the future Guardian, both girls will serve in the role I believe. I don't foresee us separating them. That tradition is dead now.

* * *

Even though Kneecaps is Sojourner's son as well, I can't help but smile when I see him, especially when he's in Lara's arms. Despite everything that's happened, despite the fact that he was born from rape, Lara loves him as dearly as she does Knuckles. The little guy is what helps hold her together. Lara has suffered so badly and I want nothing more than to help her, to be there for her. 

I've failed her miserably so many times; as a husband, as a father, and a soul mate. I took her child from her, following in the Brotherhood's traditions, I spent so little time with her when she was still married to me, and I failed to protect her from Sojourner. I could kill myself for it, all of it.

So many years have passed and I still love her as dearly as I did when I married her. I know my actions seem to indicate otherwise but chaos help me, I love her with all my heart and soul and I'll do anything for her. It seems so useless now; to want to give her everything when I should have done so from the very beginning. What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock and do things right the first time. However, that isn't possible. All I can do is try to provide for her as best I can.

I know she doesn't completely trust me, and why should she? I've hurt her. I broke her heart. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let her suffer. I couldn't stop Sojourner, and I hate myself every second for it, but I'm going to help her heal. I'm going to try my hardest to be the best father for Kneecaps and I'll do whatever Lara wants if it'll make her happy. I'd throw myself into the transporter for her if she truly wished it.

I just wish I could help her see that.

I don't force the issue. Lara needs time and I'm willing to wait however long I must. It just hurts. When I'm alone and my mind starts to wander, I just think about all the pain. I know I didn't give her reason to trust me but I always believed she knew me better than she did. How could she have not noticed the change in behavior when Sojourner appeared to her as me? Such a drastic change and she didn't see it. I can't blame her for that though; Sojourner took complete advantage of her loneliness. She was hurting and wanted me to love her and show more feelings for her than I did. Anyone in her position would have fallen prey to such a trick.

In all reality, that falls back on me. It's my fault. If I had only done what I should have, Sojourner never would have had his chance. I could have protected her from the very beginning. I should have thrown tradition back in the faces of my fathers and allowed her to have more contact with Knuckles. But I didn't. I was too cowardly to fight them and Lara suffered for my weakness. It's really no small wonder she was afraid to tell me the truth about Knuckles and Sojourner.

But to think me so cold and heartless that I would blame her for everything that Sojourner had done?

After defeating Enerjak, while everyone was still recovering, I had gone to her to make sure she was well. I had scanned her mind and found that she honestly believed I was too cold to care about her and want to help her. I almost fell over from sheer shock alone. How in the name of Edmund she could ever feel that way is beyond me. How could she think so little of me?

Because I gave her reason to. That's what I tell myself when my emotions aren't overwhelming me and I can think clearly. I allowed her to believe it, never once noticing the signs myself. I can't hate her for it. I have no right to hate her. The only one to blame and hate is myself. All her feelings towards me is my fault just as her current pain is Sojourner's.

I wish I could bring the miserable son of a bitch back from the dead just so I can beat him bloody over and over again. I wish I could kill him, horribly, again and again for every rape Lara suffered at his hands. I would give him a thousand bruises for every one he gave her. It makes me sick to think he even claimed to love her. He knows nothing of love; I'm willing to bet he never did. He was a selfish and conniving bastard and because of him poor Lara suffered.

I'm sure she still has nightmares: about the beatings, about the rapes, about his death. Lara never should have witnessed that. However I can't help but feel- I want to feel- that she's as happy about his death as I am. Now she knows he can never hurt her again. I think the only thing she worries about now, other than caring for Kneecaps and Knuckles, is me hurting her again, emotionally, as I did years earlier.

I'm bound and determined to prove otherwise though. I want to be the man she deserves and I will be. I want to show her how much I care. I want to take care of her, provide for her, like I should have all those years ago. I will do it. She's family and the woman I love. She only deserves the very best life has to offer. I'll give that to her even if it kills me.

* * *

When it comes to pain, Lara isn't the only one with whom I feel it. It's with everyone. I love my family and want to help them but it seems like no matter what I do, they either avoid me or yell at me. Thunderhawk and I have been having so many arguments when it comes to the twins that I don't know what else to do. He still insists upon calling them his third-daughters while I insist otherwise. It's better for the children if they know nothing about Sojourner. If they ask, we can keep it short and simple, but really, they're better off growing up without knowing about him. 

Thunderhawk won't let me hear the end of it though. Grandfather Spectre has no problem yelling at me about it either. Everyone has actually, but they are by far the worst. They just don't see that I'm trying to help. I'm only thinking about the children. Better for them to grow up believing they were products of love, not born from a man of evil. They shouldn't have to bear such a burden. Why can't they understand that?

I don't know if I can truly understand Spectre's mind; I don't think I ever will. But I know why Thunderhawk behaves the way he does. I know part of it is hate; he hates me for not being able to forgive Sojourner like he has. But Knuckles and the twins are his grandchildren and he refuses to allow them to grow up without knowing about Sojourner. He doesn't want them to acknowledge me as a father. He doesn't want me taking his son's place.

It hurts. Oh Edmund, _it hurts. _I just want to be a father the children can be proud of, that's all. I know they aren't mine, but am I really hurting anything by loving them as if they were? I don't care what Thunderhawk says. I'll continue to love and raise those children as though they were my very own. They deserve that kind of love and devotion. But I know Thunderhawk doesn't see it that way. I bet, in some way, he blames me for his son's death. If I had just dismantled the transporter instead of leaving it available for Sojourner's use, he might still be alive. It wasn't a pleasant death I admit- and as I have said, it's nothing less than what Sojourner deserved- but it was truly for the best.

I honestly don't see how Sojourner could have redeemed himself. Spectre and everyone else feels that the suicide more than atones for his actions but I can't see it that way. He committed suicide because he didn't want to face his family and own up to his actions. He couldn't bear living with the ones he hurt so much, the ones he's supposed to love and protect. No, he couldn't own up to it and that's why he took the cowardly way out. No surprise really. He was as cowardly as he was evil. Rotten bastard.

I'm willing to bet Thunderhawk wishes it had been me in that transporter instead of Sojourner. He'd probably willingly get rid of me if he knew for certain it'd bring Sojourner back to him. I should be thankful that Spectre doesn't feel the same way or I wouldn't be here now.

Spectre's behavior has been so hard to judge. He doesn't seem as hard on me but he still tells me that I should just accept what happened and let it go. My father Sabre tells me the same thing. And Grandfather Athair, well, he wants everyone to be happy again. Truth be told, I envy Athair sometimes. How I wish I could have his optimism, his happiness. He accepts things so easily it seems, and it seems as though he heals so quickly. I don't know how he does it. I don't think anyone does.

* * *

Let it go. Don't bury the past and accept what happened. Don't deny it. 

That's what I'm told all the time. Or used to be told. Hardly anyone talks with me much anymore. In fact, everyone seems a lot more tense around me, like they're afraid of what to say. Either that or they avoid discussion with me all together. All because I can't do what they want. I don't understand it. I just don't.

I honestly believe it's better to forget about Sojourner all together. Grandfather Spectre moved on by forgetting about Enerjak. It isn't easy, but better to just bury it away than to allow it to eat away at you. Besides, how can I possibly accept what Sojourner's done? The bastard hurt my family and ruined me. He destroyed my future.

Knuckles was supposed to be mine. Like every Guardian before me, I was to sire a child and raise him or her to be a Guardian and watch as that child continued on the legacy. I wasn't able to do that. No, Sojourner decided to do it for me. And now Knuckles is carrying on the bloodline through his daughters, Sojourner's biological granddaughters, and so Sojourner has continued the Guardian tradition, not me. He's carried on the Guardian legacy in my stead, denying me the chance to do so.

And here I am, childless, with no future of my own. No grandchildren of my own to look forward to. Sabre, my poor father, has no grandchildren of his own to love. I was unable to give him anything, and I have nothing. That, above all else, tears my heart in two. And that bastard Sojourner is responsible for it!

Ever since I learned the truth, before Enerjak even appeared, the knowledge that I had nothing of my own, that I failed my father, all my fathers, has torn my heart to shreds.

That's part of why I have to be strong and stand firm. I must be, for my family. They need me to be. This is my final chance to not fail them. I already have so many times; I can't afford to fail them again.

I failed to continue the Guardian bloodline by siring a child. I failed my father by not giving him a grandchild. I failed Knuckles by not caring for him all those years he was the island. I failed Lara by allowing Sojourner to harm her. And even now, as I try to do what is right by my family and loved ones, I still fail. How else can I explain their behavior towards me?

My fathers…

I'm a disappointment as a Guardian. They don't even have to say it, I know how they feel. I've contributed nothing to the Brotherhood. I know Spectre has always considered me a disappointment; I was always too weak-willed to him. I've never been able to appease Thunderhawk. I think the only way I could is if I disappeared all together. Sojourner must have hated me from the beginning for him to have even thought about going after Lara and bearing a child with her. He must have wanted to hurt me in some way and I bet he enjoyed sleeping with my wife and having my child.

With Athair it doesn't matter. He doesn't hold grudges against anyone. I wonder if he really even cares. And Sabre. I've failed him as a son. Even he avoids me now. Where he used to always be close and always talked to me about anything, now he doesn't. He avoids certain subjects around me and he's not around me as much as he used to be. All because I'm a failure. He loves the children and I have no doubt that he wishes he had a grandchild of his own. I know he's angry with me for not being able to give him one.

And then there's everyone else. Knuckles has suffered so much. I failed him as father on every level. I took him from his mother. I was never there for him when he was growing up. I couldn't even help him when Enerjak tormented him and Sojourner violated his mother again and again. I can't even seem to help him now as his daughters seem to scream at his approach and he is haunted by the incident with Enerjak.

I've already mentioned how badly I've failed Lara. Rouge? I'm sure she probably resents me for not taking care of Lara and being a better man to both her and Knuckles for so many years. Perfectly justifiable feelings really. And the children. Where they used to enjoy playing with me, now even they seem uncomfortable around me. Try as I might, I seem to be failing even them.

* * *

I only cry when I'm alone. I dare not shed tears in front of anyone. I can't afford to be weak. Even though it's been a couple years now since the incident with Enerjak, everyone is still trying to heal. I have to help them through it. It's been difficult and I admit I haven't done a perfect job. My stubbornness has sometimes gotten the better of me. But it'll all work out in the end. 

I can make it work. I have to make it work. My family will be happy again. I will see them smile and laugh. I will see to it that the children grow up in a healthy, happy environment, with plenty of love. No matter what biology, I will love Kneecaps, Athene, and Tessa as my own children and nothing will change that. I want Kneecaps to have a father he can be proud of. I want to do right by him.

The same applies to the rest of my family. They're all I have left. Should I lose that…

No, I don't think of that. I can't. I can not, will not, fail again. I must be there for my family. They need me, I know they do. They need me to be strong. Lara needs my strength. I wouldn't be here in Haven if they didn't need me.

As much pain as I'm in, I have to push it aside, bury it. For my family, I have put aside my own pain. It has no place here, not when everyone else suffers so much. For their sakes, I will continue to do as I have been; I know I can help them heal. Everything I do is for them, I just wish they could see that. I do it out of love. Love for them.

For my family.


End file.
